Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in unhalowedground's InsaneJournal:

Thursday, August 7th, 2008
3:50 am	i wonder how many more drives we will have to make, at 2am with the windows rolled down. the wind whiping my hair into a tangled frenzy, the radio on but drowned out by the sound of air rushing through the inside of the vehicle. how many more of these trips must i make before i finaly loose it and cant physically go on another? it seems as if we drive away from what we know must happen in the end, but what if we keep driving in this direction? does the end ever have to happen, does it stay stationary, exactly how we left it? or does it speed towards us like a heavy lead bullet, catching us unawares and knocking our feet off the ground? i somehow think it hit us like that bullet. this drive has been a long time coming, but i wish it would stay that way. never actually happening, even though i know it has to. ive been waiting for it for the past 5 years, but somehow i knew it wasnt very far off the horizon this year. but that doesnt make it any less painful, doesnt keep me on my feet when it hits me full in the chest. ive said in the past i wished it would happen already, in some sick twisted way. to take us all out of misery, but i never really meant it. what would my life be like without two of the people that helped raise me? ive lost one already, the other is lieing in a hospital bed, hasnt known my name for the last 3 or so years, and isnt even in control of his own body. but he held my hand tonight, he gripped it between his fragile fingers, and i rubbed my thumb over his paper thin skin. for a moment, he looked at me. i could see his aged and tired eyes look at me over the oxygen mask and i hope that he knew who i was. i hope he knows i was there, just like he was there for me when i would fall and scrape my knee. i wish with all my heart that he knew who i was, and even if he didnt, im going to pretend that he did. that he recognized me for at least an instant and knew i hadnt abandoned him. im not sure what the doctor really said, i wasnt listening to closesly. i was pretending, holding his hand, and pretending. i heard something about surgery and how he might need it. but that it was up to my dad on whether or not he got it. but i knew what it really meant. it was up to dad on whether or not his father died in the very near future or possibly in a year or so. i stopped listening again. i went back to pretending. thinking of those times i looked endlessly for the four-leaf clovers but he already had one hidden in the palm of his hand. when we would catch crawdads in the creek. my turtle i name murtle that we found on our way back from the river. i was to scared to hold it so he held it for me. i remember when he would hold me and read to me during a storm or when the wind was blowing so hard it made the whole house shake. running around in the garden, hiding in the corn stalks. loading shot gun shells with him in the garage. they said they would call us in the morning, when the surgeons met, to let us know. thats when my dad has to choose. thats when i find out how long i have left with him. how long i have to try futily to get him to remember me, my face, my voice. im not ready to let him go. im ready to loose him, what seems one of the last links to my childhood. he's supposed to be there at my wedding next summer. hes supposed to hunt crawdads with my children, his great grandkids. he's supposed to still pester my dad about trap shooting with him again. he's not supposed to be a shell of himself, with no memory of us. he's supposed to be my grandpa. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
12:18 am	so i moved all my stuff out of the apartment. i did most of it by myself but once aj got there he helped me carry my book boxes out to my moms car and he helped take out a few other things too. i was surprised about how it wasnt really that awkward. i figured it would be just because we've had some tense conversations recently but it wasnt. thanks again aj (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
4:03 pm	getting older, wising up, and losing them so im confused. i was trying to be nice about this. i really was. i was just goin to get all my stuff and pay the rent for this month and my utilities. then i would have everything switched over to their names and be done with it. we all would be friends still and no hard feelings would be between us. but it doesnt look that way now. i still dont know whats goin on and how i managed to piss him off but he's being an ass to me. whether he means it or not he is. i was just trying to be friends with him. i enjoyed hanging out with him and everything. but lately everytime he says something to me its very assholeish. maybe im taking it the wrong way, who knows. but i dont recall ever doing anything to him or saying anything about him. like yesterday he bitched me out for not coming to the apartment sunday. he didnt even ask me why, he just assumed i was being a bitch and staying with kyle when i knew i had still had shit to take care of. he told me i wasnt watching my credit cause i was making the rent late and shit. i was aware of that fact. i believe i even told manda that i knew it owuld be late and i would pay the late fee on friday. but without even asking me what was goin on he started bitching me out. i mean i think being with my mom after she totalled her car is more important than being at the apartment to be miserable. and calling or texting them to let them know where i was wasnt really a priority to me. my bad. but i dont want to be bitched at every single time i dont do something on their time schedlue. thats why im moving out. i want to be friends with manda still. shes been my best friend for forever, and it seems that aj is doing kind of what dave did with reny. where he's pulling her away from her friends, whether on purpose or not. but after her journaly entry about how she feels like shes losing all her friends, it find it awkward she wont hardly talk to me anymore. who knows maybe we are all growing up and growing apart, just like we all feared. :::edit::: dont get me wrong. im not saying kyle is perfect. hell he may be doing the exact same thing and i not know it. i know im not perfect either. ive never claimed it. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 27th, 2008
4:17 pm	what the fuck ever, i dont even care anymore ok, so i thought this moving out on my own with one of my best friends of like forever would be really awesome. we've been in this apartment for i think 5 or 6 months. it was good the first month with just us, then jesse was goin to crash for "a few days". well that "few days" turned into weeks. and along with jesse we inherited sara too. i finally went off and he pretty much moved out the next day. im sorry but if your goin to fucking live here, eat my food, run up my electric bill, and not contribute one goddamn fucking thing to the expenses of living here then im not goin to let you stay. and im sorry but shoving shit under the ottoman, tv stand, and in the closet is not how you clean. and anyone would know that you should rinse fucking hair dye out of the fucking bowl before you put it in the dishwasher. well anyway he still owes us for the electric bill for that month of febuary. then aj moved in. i thought that would be ok since he seems like a put together guy. and i dont mind him being here, i really dont. it gives me someone to talk to when mandas not here. but then when manda is here all they do is cuddle and suck face or go back to her room. im sorry but i dont need to be constantly reminded that kyle is an hour away from me, thanks though. then this past week i spent it with kyle cause i wasnt at work. it was fucking amazing. my stress levels went way down, i was happy the entire time, even noodle was happy. then friday manda texts me cause she wants to know when im coming home cause its feeling to domestic with just her and aj. so i get home late and hang out for a few hours. then im a party pooper apparently cause im tired and go to bed at midnight. then saturday they leave to go to mandas parents house to dog sit. kind of defeats the purpose of me coming home to break up the domestic-ness of them being alone when they go somewhere else and are alone. granted i was invited, but i had other plans, and i cant go swimming since i just got a new tattoo like a week ago, so no thanks on watching them frolic in the pool. but ajs been here for like a month now, and he still has his shit in boxes, there are empty boxes everywhere. the place looks like a bomb went off in it. i mean i could understand it being like this for a little while, but not for like the entire fucking month. and then my chairs i had brought over before ajs furniture got here gets shoved into my room, which happens to be the smallest. i mean they can make room for their shit but mine gets shoved into my room. oh well, who fucking cares anymore. im keeping all my shit in my room from now on, including noodle. im only goin to clean up my messes. im goin to be here as little as possible. im only goin to pay my part of the rent and my part of the electric bill. im goin to turn off the cable so we dont have to worry about it, or get it switched into someone elses name. im goin to go to the office tomorrow and see if we can get the lease switched from my name into ajs and then im gone. ive had enough of this bull. sorry but you can only walk all over me for so long before it backfires on you. im not saying i havent had fun, but its not worth all the bullshit ive been put through whether intentionally or not. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
12:46 am	h[8rehrtio2whioth4weiphjtf so we got the cops called on us. fucking upstairs neighbors. apparently we were having a wild underage drinking party. we all got breathalizers. i thought aj was about to get arrested. god fuckin damnit (Comment on this)